April 03, 2010

We Shouldn't Judge What We Want.

 A teacher of mine used to say, "You should always do what you want, and never do what you don't want. But the flip side is that you should never not do what you want." I use this saying when applicable, like the action that took place today.

So much for community living. I've moved housing locations and I'm so happy I have to tell you about it! Let's recap, briefly. 13 days ago; Brandon moves into very large and plush house in a what looks like a carbon copy of a suburban Los Angeles neighborhood circa 1977, introducing-Princeville. A rich town on the North Shore of Kauai embedded with 'no pedestrian' golf courses and outdated condos that survived the real estate boom 25 years ago. I meet my roommates, 2 of which move out instantly because it's not clean enough. The ones who survive, myself included, endure a psycho-gauntlet of processing throughout the last 2 weeks as we all adjust and get to know each other. It wasn't the typical roomy situation. I have lived with MANY people before in many housing situations. This was one of the most challenging.

I kept trying to tell myself 'this isn't a bad situation', 'I should be happy where I'm at', 'Don't run away from the fear', 'do the work, Brandon, stop focusing on what's not working.'  Blah. blah, blah. My heart would hurt in yoga during the first week of study as I was generally annoyed. I had to deal with expectations, as I wrote about in earlier entries.

Although after processing and being open and giving myself to the moment in our house, what kept ringing louder than a foghorn was the fact that I wanted my own space, that what I wanted to create while I was here was stillness, clarity and that physical space where I could practice, read and learn yoga.

After the last two weeks living in the yoga real world house, even though it was getting better and I was understanding myself and my own limitations clearer, I learned about group energy. The energy of a house is consistent to what the individuals who live in it put out. In other words, I realized that after class each day I would come home and veg-out, play guitar, shoot the shit, surf the web and go to sleep. Then, repeat the next day. It kinda sounded like my life I had back home. And it wasn't the life what I wanted to create for myself here, in Hawaii. It was all of us living in our new home hangin' out.

What I noticed was I wasn't able to pull myself away to do self-study and reflection. I kept seeing that I wanted still mornings in nature and calm evenings of reflection. I wanted to hear the breeze shake the palm trees and meditate to the sound of rain on the roof.  What I had was a suburban party house, so to speak, surrounded by golf courses.

In life, there are basically two things we usually do. We can count our blessings or complain about what we don't have. I wanted another option, create what's missing, the presence of which would build my dream. I did this by stopping judgement on what I wanted, 'but I'll have to pay more when I can stay in my current house and save my money.' Gosh darn-it if I notice anymore times where I become a martyr for my happiness so I can save a few bucks I'll go insane.  So there was that, and what my roommates would think, 'oh, they'll be upset if I leave, they'll say this and that, blah, blah, blah.' Yeah, I stopped that and started to talk OUT LOUD in class, around everyone and let them know what I wanted.

I want to move and live in my own space and be in nature. After one day of putting that message out to the Kauaiverse one of the participants in class, Ilsa, a retired anesthesiologist said, "I know of a cottage right across the road from here (the yoga studio)." During our lunch break I called the neighbor, who was literally right across the dirt and gravel road from the school I have been studying at, met Dave, the owner and saw the 1-bedroom cottage. That was two days ago and as I write this, I am all moved in.

There are no street lamps, no traffic, no cookie cut-out housing and definitely no golf courses. What there is, are wild trees and plants, egrets and chickens, mountains and lots and lots of space. This is the country-side farm land of Kauai. This is my new home, I feel abundant and I love it. I even went out and got a new didjeridoo too, so I can sit, breathe and play.

What I have been noticing is how alive I feel when I go for what I want, because life is always wanting to provide for us, all we have to do is trust what we want and go for it. I could have stayed in the house for any number of made-up reasons, but as my dad sometimes says, "you either have results or the reasons why."   Thanks Dad.


  1. Isn't it wonderful that you quoted your father and really got what he is saying. And I am happy for you. Enjoy your new digs!

  2. Thanks for the remind, Brandon! Much needed today :)