July 17, 2011

Chapter Close.

I think I'm going to change my blog title and content, for the second time since it's incarnation over a year ago.

I'm settling into living in the bay now. Not wandering around on this house-to-house adventure any longer in search and in hopes of moving, maybe, to Los Angeles.

L.A. story is complete.

So, even though that my life is totally vibrant and full of color, with rich interactions and meandering turns without myself even knowing where I may get whisked away to next--I'm staying put. But that's to say I will still be wandering around they bay and I'm going to change my blog/website up.

Now the question is what shall it be called? What am I up to now? --That I do know. Integration.

Last night while laying in bed to the dark blue-grey light settling into my room as the sun's setting passed I had a realization... And it moved me! I feel the last 4 years of moving around and searching is coming to a close. Since I left Philly in October of '07 to now; living in New York, New Jersey, Hawaii and California. Going from job to job to job. Starting projects, destroying projects, starting projects and tearing down the walls. I was hurt and frustrated that the inspiration would leave and the desire to work with my ideas and plans never surfaced, never rooted. My heart broke repeatedly. I continued to dance and discover, play and heal. Endurance was built, patience, trust and faith that some-thing would show up eventually b/c my heart is committed to making a difference. I never gave up on that knowing.

Coming to California was an experiment and a test all in one. An experiment to let myself go, completely unwind and free to enact OUT the stuff that was showing up IN-side my heart and ego, and the patterns and past that took over my commitments to grow and be a pioneer in my world.  The test was to endure the chatter and withstand the heat and chaos of uncertainty. LA or the bay took me over. And it was just a conversation based in the past that was feeding needingly the desire to run. And run I did.

Out here it was that I distinguished how long it was that I've been running. A LONG TIME! Like, over 20 years. Since I was a kid, rebelling and fighting with the system and the flow of my life. Judging it, thinking it should be different and not giving room for me to be me.

We can now call this-complete.

Now-it's time to bring all the work forth I've been playing with and experiencing on deep levels to the surface to build and grow. Stability never looked so good. It's something I can feel inside myself, a deep knowing that a period is ending. The period of my marathon run. I've reached the finish line of that race, and now am setting foot for a new journey, a journey of long endurance, a nice hike meandering around a path that still may be unclear, but I've got a walking stick and soon a guide to walk with, slowly, steadily, building and rooting into myself. The journey of working. Working my job, working with my art, working with people in relationships and sticking around!

It felt good to feel that. Real good. LIke, REally GOod!