March 31, 2010

My Life. Here.

My life here, is here. Many people think, myself being one of them, that my life would somehow be different by moving all the way to Kauai for 41 days. And, it is, on a particular yogic-hawaii-fresh air and peaceful demeanor level. But, yes, there is a but. It's the great awakening of buts. The but is that my life is always mine wherever I go.

I mean, I am always inherently the same person, the same Brandon Waloff, right down to the core in which I have been working, and opening and breathing into. To think that I would be different - and then difference showing up, for me, would be disappointing. Why would I want to escape who I am, and all of a sudden leave behind the trail of dust that I have known and grown to love and know so well?

To be any different, and hope for that would be an escape for me. It's refreshing to know that I can wake up and feel similar feelings of waking up in New Jersey. This is who I am.  Nothing wrong either. For a split second when I woke up this morning I was like, "Ughh, why am I feeling this, I'm not in Jersey!" Then I thought, "no, nothing's wrong, it's just who I wake up with sometimes."

Now, I don't always have the experience of New Jersey Brandon. In fact, what I am reconnecting with is that amazing sense of exuberance and life that I felt when I traveled in my pickup truck (I miss ya emerald green 1995 Ford Ranger XLT with extended cab!) in 2004. The newness my eyes were seeing and the feelings I was having as, for me, the ultimate experience.

I love getting out of asana practice (the physical postures of yoga) in the afternoon and walking up the hill towards Michaelle's house and seeing the mist and clouds way out in the distance rolling over and draping the mountains. To hear the sounds of only rustling leaves and trees with exotic birdsong is pure joy. I love the feeling of fresh, clean air in my lungs. I'm not even sure how I would be able to go back and breathe the slick in the NJ/NY atmosphere.

Life here may feel the same sometimes when experiencing the aspects of my personality I don't want, the judging, the borderline impatience with people when they aren't saying or doing what I want.  And opening my body, breathing and meditating will zoom in on all that 'stuff' for what some people say yoga will do-transform the darkness and turn it into light. Which Matisyahu also speaks is possible through a daily practice, his being Torah.  But nevertheless, it's great to be here, and it's great to be alive-again. Because I have come out of a deadness that was buried below while living the same 'ol, same 'ol existence over and over again, the repetition.

I can see that this practice is not only a practice of being able to breathe deeper and feel better in my body. It's also a practice of taking what I bring to the mat, and being with it, breathing into it, and ultimately accepting it, and who I am, so I may fully and totally accept others.

It's really a life of having it all.

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