October 21, 2010

I've Got Nothing, What A Great Thing!

I am now in California. I just moved here and today is the start of my second day. What the F*ck!? I MOVED TO CALIFORNIA!!? And now that I am here, what the hell am I gonna do!?!  I mean, here I am, right now sitting here in my one-room cabin the the backyard of a Buddhist share house and I'm like, 'now what!?'

Ok, B, just breathe... be cool,
                                                                    chill out.
                                                        (sounds coming out of mouth, a release)

As I watched myself go through feelings of loneliness and isolation this morning, the beginnings of panic. I couldn't help but begin to consider what the nuggets of wisdom could be in all of this? Sure, I just moved here with 2 backpacks and a couple didgeridoos while all my belongings are still in storage in Jersey City. That to me is grounds for a minor freak-out. But really, why freak out? How many times have I heard that we have everything we need already (meaning inside of us, that's non-material); And besides hearing it, I have actually experienced having everything I needed in my past when I've been in this situation. Now clearly, according to the mainstream world, I don't have the things to make me whole and complete. I don't have a job, a place to live, much money, transport, furniture or a decent cell phone, just to name a few. But these aren't luxury items, these are all standards, things we take for granted (with the exception of a good android app-filled celly, obviously). But Forget about a smart phone or a new car. I'm dealing with standards here. So, yes, it makes sense to freak-out and get all uptight. However, I don't have to choose that reaction, it would just make me crazy. And my point-of-view is that if I can master myself with nothing, now, then when I am set up with all the specs in life, I'll be happy no matter what.

So now what? How do we master that? How do we become happy with what we have inside, sans material objects. I was writing this morning, a practice worth taking on when you need a friend. Here's what I wrote down.

 "When there is stillness, the body and mind can begin to wake up and get loud! The loudness sometimes hurts. It's important to stay grounded. How do we do this? Through breath and continuously breathing. Then focusing on moving the energy forward towards your intentions and following through on on that. I have to disallow the pain and stickiness from becoming stronger. Just like the body; if you don't move it and stretch it everyday, you'll get tighter. Or in this case, narrower in the sense of the mind with less room to work with, causing a mental straight-jacket. The pattern of physically not moving will become stronger too; the fascia will lay down more tissue to hold the structure in that restricted place. So it may be uncomfortable to move forward in life, just as it is in moving into a new pose at first, but we have to in order to progress and live the vision we once saw."

So after writing and breathing, and seeing all of that which I wrote above, I can see that it is uncomfortable to be where I'm at right now, but so what? The point of this experience is to transcend and not allow myself to become tight, I don't want to pull a muscle, strain or sprain anything, mind and life included. I want to move gracefully through this moment where I am at. It's the only choice I'm giving myself. For me, how to do this is just by breathing and being, breathing and being and more breathing and being with myself. I will continue my practice of yoga, I have no choice in that matter-says me. Then choosing to move forward from a place of calm. This is where radical acceptance reigns supreme. AHhhhhh.. It's acceptance of self I've been dealing with all along. So, I guess it's not so bad to have nothing. Could be worse, right? I could be holding my breath, god forbid!