In any great transition, there are many small transitions that take place. Paulo Coelho says in The Warrior Of The Light that any great battle is won by a series of small battles that go seemingly unnoticed, then the warrior manages to triumph 'all of a sudden', surprising even him/herself and is being free from blame for having taken so long to arrive. Am I in a battle?
The journey has been epic, and it's getting personal. Many houses, jobs, even a few girlfriends, which really surmount to my own capacity to be in and out of relationships as I learn along the way. In short, it's been a journey of the mind and a journey of the heart; a journey of spirit and of freedom. As I have watched myself untangle from life in New York/New Jersey, it's been purposeful. I wanted to come out here and let myself go.
Interesting that this is what I have wanted and now it's no longer serving me. Essentially I have been 'riding the fence'... watching myself go from job to job, scaling down to what works for me, which are 2 p/t flexible jobs. I have lived in eight different homes in six months. Yeah, I'm tired of it. It's been me looking on both sides of the fence of settling down, settling in, AND the other side of letting all of that go for some other way of life that I know is possible but am having trouble finding it.
I've discovered that it's now time to go on another journey. A journey inward. My new roommate Allan, who is a Siddha Yogi says that I have great skill at being external, connecting to the outer world, but little resource internally for being centered. I concur. The last month living here with him in his quiet, meditative house has shown me all of my inner chatter and just how little ground there has been. I've been seeing things way more clearly and am now ready to confront all the stuff inside that has been pulling me along for some time now.
It's said that when the student is ready, the teacher appears. Well everyone has been my teacher lately; The bike mechanic, the new lady in my life, my roommate Allan, EVERYONE.
So now that I've said all of this what I really want to say is that May is my month of transition. I'm coming back (and am now back) to the east coast for 10-days and then at the end of the month will be traveling down to Joshua Tree for a Vipassana Meditation, which is a 10-day silent sit.
I feel I'm more unclear and unknowing what the answers are.. and I kinda like that. I feel better being in the question without having to find the answers and learning how to be centered in this great mystery.