Waking up at 5:55am again tomorrow.... I'm officially hustling and officially (self realization here) in the rat race. My last week of unemployment, I have no home and no full time job... just a few part time jobs that im stacking together to make ends meet...
Today I woke up at 5:55 as well.. I was at the BART (bay area rapid transit--think nyc subway but WAY more expensive) to meet Jessica, founder of getaround.com a local bay area car sharing service co. where car owners can rent their cars out and set prices for local renters (organically placed plug).
Man goes to California, goes broke, wanders from place to place sleeping on couches, floors, cabins, futons, works whatever jobs he finds on craigslist and occasionally busks in metro stations playing long wooden instruments that come from deserts half-way around the world.
Now I'm not making any of this wrong - nor am I blaming myself for the positions I have rightfully earned. I am poking light at the fact that I am stuck in California and couldn't leave to go back home even if I wanted to.. which I do-from time-to-time. It's just ironic that I spent all summer making myself believe that California had the answers to my problems AND I thought I would for sure be able to do whatever I wanted OR AT LEAST what I was saying I wanted to do whilst in New York/New Jersey--which was...
"I'm gonna go out there and get a job, find a place to live and see if I want to be in the bay or LA... you know, just live and blah blah blah." As my friend Sarah would say, 'welcome to crazy town'... btw, I'm now the mayor of crazy town, usa, aka-California. Why you may ask?
Because I didn't have a CLUE what I was in for. If I knew that this was going to be shaping up to be the fight of my life I probably would have come up with some other grand idea.. and actually.. now that I think about it, would wind-up in the same place I'm in now, only someplace else.
I am really having to teach myself discipline here. Saving my money--ech-chem.. excuse me, I meant NOT spending my money on dance, cookies, juice, or whatever; breaking free from the expectation that the world will provide all I need and ask for as I comfortably sit in the grass, sun beating on my face in half-lotus position... no, this is not the time for that. I would like it to be.. but it's not. It's time to get to work.. and I have to work and I have to make ends meet in as many creative ways possible-right now.
(right now its sleeping in my friend Olivia's room who I met at dance camp while her mom is sleeping in the room next door b/c after 3-months couch surfing I can't afford rent... it's passing out flyers at 7am for cash in hand after my shift so I dont have to use my debit card.. it's ordering Thai food and splitting it up in two portions so I dont spend money on food the next day--its all of that) -much love/respect to the Obidah's, btw.
This 'trip' is also about looking at myself in new ways. Looking NOW to see how I impacted people when I wasn't noticing how I was being ungrateful and expecting, full of myself, arrogant.. This is the feedback I've been getting and it's been EYE-OPENING!
Only when ya travel do ya get this.. or when you wander? When I wander this is what I get.. a dose of medicine aimed at having me having to deal with how I am showing up for the world and let me just tell you I am so committed to transforming this IT HURTS! So, like I was saying, I'm stuck here in California. When I return to the east coast, whenever that is, I will not be in the same everything place I was when I came out here. I will return with honor and pride.
This is my lesson, and the test is called California. Now I gotta go to bed, I'm waking up in 6 hours to pass out flyers. And before I go I want to mention a few more things.
a.) I shaved my beard after a dream that I shaved my beard. To me this is a sign of coming out of hiding.
b.) After realizing that I have been being stingy and selfish with my recent housemates.. like ReALLY GETTING THIS IN MY BONES that I have been showing up like this all the while thinking otherwise--I can now see the possibility arising in the shadows.. And it's called being grateful and abundant for what I do have.
I have two amazing jobs. In one I get to greet San Franciscans each morning now and wish them all 'Good Morning' as I pass out a great new car sharing service. Let me say if you wished your city or town good morning at least 300 times to their face, you would feel ecstatic. The other is with this incredible Jewish non profit that teaches resistance training and how to stand up to fight the good fight after learning about the Jewish guerrilla fighters who lived in the woods during WWII.
And it's all starting to shift; my context, my reality, my being, my face! This really is it. I'm living my life and it's only going to get better.