Playing w/ and Transforming Worry.

Play with worry? I was meditating the other day and all of a sudden saw that being worried is really a GIANT opportunity to transform yourself. 

Check this out.. Every moment is an opportunity to shift our context from being in a state of worry to being in action for what is possible.  

To not be too serious and significant about this.. you will have to play with worry.

• Play with worry? Playing with worry is being worried AND seeing the underlying opportunity that worry can provide. For example; If I am worried about going to a party b/c someone is there that I am afraid of seeing (for whatever reason), you can look at the underlying opportunity which would be to confront your fear and transform your outlook by having a conversation with that person. The result (*if done correctly); You are now free and happy, or at least off of focusing on that one initial worry. 
• *note-the conversation you have will have to be geared at 'outing' yourself so to speak.. being authentic about why I was nervous to see this person. I am communicating in a way that is generous and doesn't 'dump' emotions and words onto someone else.

Here are some other words I wrote down about this,... Maybe I'll speak more about it? What do you think? I'd like to know.

Worrying is stagnent energy based in fear.

When we worry, remember, it is always to confront our fear and be the powerful people we are.

Being worried will bump up against what you really want, or what you are committed to. You will have to move past this to overcome worry. All else will be numbing yourself, which blocks your own self expression.

Staying worried costs your own expression in the world from coming through. 

On the flip side, you will get something by staying worried. You will get to be right when what you really want- you won't allow yourself to have, all b/c you are worried about it.

Worrying is praying for what we don't want, What do you want?

Worrying is actively resisting dealing with the problem.

We we worry, we place a block on the universal energy that is always available to us, who's purpose is to guide us through.

Worrying is the result of being wounded as a child. When you worry you are really reliving the pain of being hurt from your past.

When you worry, you don't see your underlying commitment. It's b/c you are committed to something greater in this situation. Look and see what you are committed to, really.

Avoidance is a symptom of worrying that prevents you from being powerful and opening your heart.

The more you worry and avoid, the smaller you become in the world.

The act of being with worry, noticing it and moving through it-is yoga.

~B

I will be taking my talents to.....

This past summer the world awaited LeBron James' decision on where he would be playing basketball for the 2010/2011 season. Tensions built, people and fans anxiously awaited, the city of Cleveland and the state of Ohio clenched their jaws in anticipation that LeBron would stay in Cleveland. He didn't.

Cleveland fans dealing with the pain

"I have decided to take my talents to South Beach" -his words uttered on national television, a huge spectacle was made out of the event and Cleveland burned James jerseys in effigy.

I will be taking my talents to the SF. Not nearly as an anticipated as LeBron James 2010/11 decision, maybe a bit ego-centric, but hey! I'm human, and in my own world.  I will be staying in the bay area and am looking into moving to San Fran and leaving the east bay... I will re-evaluate in mid January.. I'm happy I at least made a commitment for a few months.

So there you have it. Will #34 55lb.-Northampton Indians jerseys be burned back in PA? We shall see...

~B

The Wake Up Call

Waking up at 5:55am again tomorrow.... I'm officially hustling and officially (self realization here) in the rat race. My last week of unemployment, I have no home and no full time job... just a few part time jobs that im stacking together to make ends meet...

Today I woke up at 5:55 as well.. I was at the BART (bay area rapid transit--think nyc subway but WAY more expensive) to meet Jessica, founder of getaround.com a local bay area car sharing service co. where car owners can rent their cars out and set prices for local renters (organically placed plug).

Man goes to California, goes broke, wanders from place to place sleeping on couches, floors, cabins, futons, works whatever jobs he finds on craigslist and occasionally busks in metro stations playing long wooden instruments that come from deserts half-way around the world.

Now I'm not making any of this wrong - nor am I blaming myself for the positions I have rightfully earned. I am poking light at the fact that I am stuck in California and couldn't leave to go back home even if I wanted to.. which I do-from time-to-time.  It's just ironic that I spent all summer making myself believe that California had the answers to my problems AND I thought I would for sure be able to do whatever I wanted OR AT LEAST what I was saying I wanted to do whilst in New York/New Jersey--which was...

"I'm gonna go out there and get a job, find a place to live and see if I want to be in the bay or LA... you know, just live and blah blah blah." As my friend Sarah would say, 'welcome to crazy town'... btw, I'm now the mayor of crazy town, usa, aka-California. Why you may ask?

Because I didn't have a CLUE what I was in for. If I knew that this was going to be shaping up to be the fight of my life I probably would have come up with some other grand idea.. and actually.. now that I think about it, would wind-up in the same place I'm in now, only someplace else.

I am really having to teach myself discipline here. Saving my money--ech-chem.. excuse me, I meant NOT spending my money on dance, cookies, juice, or whatever; breaking free from the expectation that the world will provide all I need and ask for as I comfortably sit in the grass, sun beating on my face in half-lotus position... no, this is not the time for that. I would like it to be.. but it's not. It's time to get to work.. and I have to work and I have to make ends meet in as many creative ways possible-right now.

(right now its sleeping in my friend Olivia's room who I met at dance camp while her mom is sleeping in the room next door b/c after 3-months couch surfing I can't afford rent... it's passing out flyers at 7am for cash in hand after my shift so I dont have to use my debit card.. it's ordering Thai food and splitting it up in two portions so I dont spend money on food the next day--its all of that) -much love/respect to the Obidah's, btw.

This 'trip' is also about looking at myself in new ways. Looking NOW to see how I impacted people when I wasn't noticing how I was being ungrateful and expecting, full of myself, arrogant.. This is the feedback I've been getting and it's been EYE-OPENING!

Only when ya travel do ya get this.. or when you wander? When I wander this is what I get.. a dose of medicine aimed at having me having to deal with how I am showing up for the world and let me just tell you I am so committed to transforming this IT HURTS! So, like I was saying, I'm stuck here in California. When I return to the east coast, whenever that is, I will not be in the same everything place I was when I came out here. I will return with honor and pride.

This is my lesson, and the test is called California. Now I gotta go to bed, I'm waking up in 6 hours to pass out flyers. And before I go I want to mention a few more things.

a.) I shaved my beard after a dream that I shaved my beard. To me this is a sign of coming out of hiding.

b.) After realizing that I have been being stingy and selfish with my recent housemates.. like ReALLY GETTING THIS IN MY BONES that I have been showing up like this all the while thinking otherwise--I can now see the possibility arising in the shadows.. And it's called being grateful and abundant for what I do have.

I have two amazing jobs. In one I get to greet San Franciscans each morning now and wish them all 'Good Morning' as I pass out a great new car sharing service.  Let me say if you wished your city or town good morning at least 300 times to their face, you would feel ecstatic. The other is with this incredible Jewish non profit that teaches resistance training and how to stand up to fight the good fight after learning about the Jewish guerrilla fighters who lived in the woods during WWII.

And it's all starting to shift; my context, my reality, my being, my face! This really is it. I'm living my life and it's only going to get better.

Wandering on...

~B

Flake it til you make it?

I don't know where I'm going to live tomorrow. I don't think I really want to stay in the bay area.

California? Who really cares about it anyway..

Is it a pipe-dream? Am I-- was I California dreaming,

Why am I thinking of Thailand now?

Am I running,...or doing exactly what needs to be done for myself right now., where I'm going to live

What I'm going to do!!?

Well,.. I don't know yet.. I do know, at least right now--I'm a wanderer.

And while I am procrastinating to blog Wandering; The Path of Expansion (pt.2)... I thought I would put up this quote by Jeff Brown... someone I don't even know but caught wind of through a friend... This made me feel better.

"It is important to grant ourselves permission to wander as part of our Soulshaping journey. So often mischaracterized aslostness, there is a kind of immersion in the not knowing that is actually quite focused & necessary if we are going to excavate and identify our divine purpose. So much information can come up when we are looking in no particular direction. A sense of wander, Flake it till you make it.." 


Thanks for that.


~B

Housewarming In Oakland

Last night we had a housewarming in the house I'm temporarily living in... There were some other musicians who came and at one point the convergence happened.

Harmonica, guitar, drum, flute and myself on the didg'... We played-people sat and listened, and I realized the power of music.. Again.

Afterwards Yuki said to me that being able to play the didg' is a rights of passage--a coming of age instrument.  Those who can play it, in this case myself... are sent a message that we are ready to step-up in the world...

I really got that.. The didgeridoo is an instrument that I continually give thanks to for being able to play... It is so powerful that sometimes I have to LITERALLY stop playing it b/c its just too much for me.

Then I new that I am supposed to keep playing this instrument. We'll see where it takes me.

~B

Intermission Enjoyment

Before 'Wandering, the path towards expansion (pt.2)' comes through here.. I thought I would post a video from my new york city subway concerto days, waaaay back in the summer of 2010...

Someone was just asking to see this SO, I am going to post.

It's the spirit of my wandering, really. For me, to go OUT in the New York City Subway system with all my didg' gear...

1. Tapestry to sit on
2. Crystals to display
3. bamboo bowl for donations
4. Casio keyboard 
5. Egg Shaker

... and plop down

    6.  Oh yeah, and my didgeridoos

... and plop down to play in the middle of the platform.. well, for me. That took some cajones (aka, balls).  Then my box expands. See how that works? No!? Ok, then have a look see.. I'm so happy!

Didg'in da' subway from brandon waloff on Vimeo.
This is my second time out in the NYC subway system (broadway/lafayette) playing the didgeridoo. I have here, a mini casio keyboard accompanying me. While I did get circular breathing down, it was difficult to do while playing the keys. No matter, enjoy~

~B