Too Rajasic In The Hot Tub,.. and The Didgeridoo

"It's too hot, too hot, too hot ladayyyy..."  

(please listen to this song as you read.. it goes with the post)




By the time I saw a glowing green orb donut shaped thingy, I realized it was definitely time to be out of the hot tub. For real. I saw it. It was right in front of me. A neon green donut floating in front of me with electric purple trim. At first I thought it was awesome. Then, I thought I was going to pass out.

When I got into Janny and Vanny's house everything was really bright and glowing... and then I couldn't stand up without holding onto something; nausea, dizziness, fear, sweat... here we go again! It was just last saturday that all hell seemed to break loose (story is coming to Elephant Journal-promise) and now, again. Hell.

Here's one moral: Do wait AT LEAST 45 minutes before you go for a swim and if the temperature happens to be over 100 degrees wait A LOT LONGER (especially after eating all sorts of animals at the Chinese restaurant con bebidas frias {cold drinks}).

So I got a little overheated (rajasic in sanskrit) as a result of overindulgence in combination with the heat from the hot tub- I also got permission and self-imposed reasons to skip waking up at 6:30-ish a.m. this morning to get picked up for yoga at Nandi in San Mateo where I was to play didgeridoo: I had a headache going home last night around 12:45, I woke up at 3am to lucid dreams feeling not a minute rested past flopping down in my bed hours prior and woke up a few more times that night to the thought, 'I'm going to text her right now and cancel.'  


Ughh!!! Here we go, it's time to do the work right now in bed. Ok, what's it going to look likeeeeee, if I cancel

1. The thought of Giselle telling the class that I wasn't going to be showing up to play live didg' in class I'm sure wouldn't have been a big deal.. "It's no big deal."  People will say in that in the world; In fact, it's almost expected that if y'all are feelin' ill' it's ok to skip out on a thing. 

           1a.)Not for me-not today. Got that. 

2. I didn't want to cause, or deal with knowing of their disappointment, for myself I mean, even if it was just one person. Does this make sense?

3. I would not want to deal the impact of breaking my word with Giselle, 

4. Or deal with the impact of breaking my word with myself. 

5. Even if it was all justified by, "It's no big deal"

So, I chose to take responsibility for ALL OF THAT and surmised it all with "I don't want to deal with the impact of breaking my word." -Good mantra to have at 3 a.m. with a headache after almost fainting for the first time in my life... not to mention a lot of undigested cherry pork somewheres in my intestines. I thought of Paul Turro leading The Wisdom Course and saying repeatedly that 'honoring your word is a very noble thing to do, BUT keeping your promises is the most high and holy of actions', a.k.a. karma yoga (principal of cause and effect, selfless service and action, discipline of action). I guess Paul was a yogi too?

It was kinda killin' me though- my powerful self that is. Because as much as I didn't want to skip out on playing in class, I was equally siding with wanting to sleep in and take care of my self, wake up late, blah blah blah. Duality, yeah-it's a bitch. Gotta deal. Yeah, SOOoo who cares. Or as Miles used to say, "So what."

So I woke up, made a green smoothie and tea, took em to go with Natasha (my ride and Giselle's assistant today), watched the sun kiss the tops of the fluffy white clouds looming over the hills and bay and was on my way to play didg' for the kids, even though they were adults,.. it rhymes.

And I got more super valuable lessons, ones which I wouldn't have gotten if I decided to sleep in like a shlub.

During class I kept getting nervous, as I do before I'm about to play didgeridoo for a larger sized yoga class. This one must have been an easy head-count of thirty-five. I kept thinking, my mantra for the day, "I am a yogi; I see the path but do not know the way." It guided me through and as I returned to breath, I calmed myself and was in my practice before I got the tap on my shoulder to make my way to the front of the class.

Two: What if they don't like the music? -Answer: So what. Breathe and take it a breath at a time. That's valuable when playing the didg'. As Ondrej Smeykal told me in a workshop I did last summer, 'just play to your own breath and stop caring what anyone else thinks... If you are in line with your breathing while you play, it will sound 100X better than trying to play for them.' --That worked!

So it was just another 'best day ever' in the sea of 'best day ever's' that I've ever had. Good thing I kept my word, and the test may have been the hot tub and 4 animals I ate the night before... I'm not going veg. though.

~B

Thank The Baby JESUS!

For Christs sakes.. there's so much to do! It's christmas eve.. I love how spell-checker won't let me spell christmas w/o a 'C'... really already over and out.

I live in Berkeley again. I couldn't help it! I love the east bay. Forget SF.. at least lets forget about the mission.. that place appears to be the cool scene in SF but it didn't take long for me to get up and go. 3-days. That's it. Just 3-days and I was (as Harry Kalas would say) Outta there!

And I did hit a home-run. After my 3-day stint in the mission, and a 3-day bender if I've ever had one.. (you'll get to see THAT story on Elephant Journal as I colorfully describe what it's like to be on THC and 5-HTP at the same time.. yikes, talk about a dark trip into a tree trunk--that's a Star Wars reference people!).. here's the image

So after waking up at noon (and finally, i think, falling asleep around 7am that morning) I mustered up enough strength to finish watching the Eagles/Giants game as whiskey settled me into Sunday.

I came back to the house I had just rented but hadn't paid for yet and just felt.. uneasy, I didn't want to live there anymore. I know it had only been a few days but I felt like I wasn't home, is the best way to describe it despite it being the most plush house I had been living in over the last 4-months of travel.

I woke up that Monday and got to work. Found a sweeeet sublet for a month in Berkeley (east bay), sent an email and received a phone call within the hour.

"The only catch is that I'm leaving in a few hours!" said the leas-or? (is that what they're called?)

And by 7pm that night, after me and Mr. Shechtman reunited for some coffee with the lovely Casey James, I was in my new-new pad in Berkeley enjoying a 1-bdrm with a star-laser machine in it.. Which I call now, 'The Planetarium'.  It's divine.

So I have that house until January 15th, and then it's off again.. to another home unoccupied preferably, where I will sit in peace and say, THANK THE BABY JESUS FOR THIS MIRACLE! <-- that's for you Sarah~

Merry Christmas~

B ~

The Wandering Tzu

I'm moving again... the journey continues, this time Ill be heading to SF proper! WOOT! The Mission.. that's where I'll be. Staying in a super nice apt. off 24th street. I will be there for at least 29 days. My new roommate is a defense trial lawyer for an insurance company, and a dedicated Burner.. (that's Burning Man, btw.. )

In the past week my wanderings have taken me all around the east bay.. that's on the other side of SF, btw.. Oakland, Berkeley exist here and it's so nice.. The weather is a constant 58 degrees, not bad for Decemeber, and Lake Merritt is super sweet. Its a GIANT lake in Oakland.

As I was looking for directions at a bus stop I met a few guys rollin' a good time and by the time I left the bus stop on my way to the Lake to look for the yoga studio I was going to visit, I was floating and for the first time really seeing my new home. The lake looked like New York City! People walking at different speeds around the lake, houses sitting right on top of the shore-line, or so it seemed... Just really peaceful vibes.

I fell in love. It's like the Shire... in my mind, and my heart.

So anyway, this also is the same week that I have been reading the Tao Te Ching.. Really great book by Lao Tzu layin' down the laws of life. Lao Tzu was a wanderer.. He's the guy who said, "the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step." Really great stuff.. I recommend, it's been rearranging my molecules. Today I was on the BART heading to the city for work and this woman with green highlights came and sat down next to me... She started talking right away about the Tao Te Ching.

I was a bit introverted and felt like listening to music and staring out the window but amused my new friend anyway. "I'm a performance artist, clown and mask something or other...." Then she started telling me that she could interpret my handwriting. I was interested. Turning off my ipod while listening to Ondrej Smeykal, a great didgeridoo player and let Ruby, my new friend entertain me. She then proceeded to interpret my handwriting after I wrote a few sentences down for her. "You've really broken out of the box" she said,... "No one has ever turned the paper on its side and written something for me." Then she said something about me being slightly moody, artistic and some more stuff.. I can't remember right now. I'm tired and am actually writing this AFTER i've already finished the entire post...

Let's see what else.. I'm tired right now.. *yawn*.. I'm heading to bedski.  Oh, alright, before bed, a random page I will turn to in the Tao Te Ching.. for your pleasure..

"The Master arrives without leaving,
sees the light without looking,
achieves without doing a thing."

Ok, goodnight!

Playing w/ and Transforming Worry.

Play with worry? I was meditating the other day and all of a sudden saw that being worried is really a GIANT opportunity to transform yourself. 

Check this out.. Every moment is an opportunity to shift our context from being in a state of worry to being in action for what is possible.  

To not be too serious and significant about this.. you will have to play with worry.

• Play with worry? Playing with worry is being worried AND seeing the underlying opportunity that worry can provide. For example; If I am worried about going to a party b/c someone is there that I am afraid of seeing (for whatever reason), you can look at the underlying opportunity which would be to confront your fear and transform your outlook by having a conversation with that person. The result (*if done correctly); You are now free and happy, or at least off of focusing on that one initial worry. 
• *note-the conversation you have will have to be geared at 'outing' yourself so to speak.. being authentic about why I was nervous to see this person. I am communicating in a way that is generous and doesn't 'dump' emotions and words onto someone else.

Here are some other words I wrote down about this,... Maybe I'll speak more about it? What do you think? I'd like to know.

Worrying is stagnent energy based in fear.

When we worry, remember, it is always to confront our fear and be the powerful people we are.

Being worried will bump up against what you really want, or what you are committed to. You will have to move past this to overcome worry. All else will be numbing yourself, which blocks your own self expression.

Staying worried costs your own expression in the world from coming through. 

On the flip side, you will get something by staying worried. You will get to be right when what you really want- you won't allow yourself to have, all b/c you are worried about it.

Worrying is praying for what we don't want, What do you want?

Worrying is actively resisting dealing with the problem.

We we worry, we place a block on the universal energy that is always available to us, who's purpose is to guide us through.

Worrying is the result of being wounded as a child. When you worry you are really reliving the pain of being hurt from your past.

When you worry, you don't see your underlying commitment. It's b/c you are committed to something greater in this situation. Look and see what you are committed to, really.

Avoidance is a symptom of worrying that prevents you from being powerful and opening your heart.

The more you worry and avoid, the smaller you become in the world.

The act of being with worry, noticing it and moving through it-is yoga.

~B

I will be taking my talents to.....

This past summer the world awaited LeBron James' decision on where he would be playing basketball for the 2010/2011 season. Tensions built, people and fans anxiously awaited, the city of Cleveland and the state of Ohio clenched their jaws in anticipation that LeBron would stay in Cleveland. He didn't.

Cleveland fans dealing with the pain

"I have decided to take my talents to South Beach" -his words uttered on national television, a huge spectacle was made out of the event and Cleveland burned James jerseys in effigy.

I will be taking my talents to the SF. Not nearly as an anticipated as LeBron James 2010/11 decision, maybe a bit ego-centric, but hey! I'm human, and in my own world.  I will be staying in the bay area and am looking into moving to San Fran and leaving the east bay... I will re-evaluate in mid January.. I'm happy I at least made a commitment for a few months.

So there you have it. Will #34 55lb.-Northampton Indians jerseys be burned back in PA? We shall see...

~B

The Wake Up Call

Waking up at 5:55am again tomorrow.... I'm officially hustling and officially (self realization here) in the rat race. My last week of unemployment, I have no home and no full time job... just a few part time jobs that im stacking together to make ends meet...

Today I woke up at 5:55 as well.. I was at the BART (bay area rapid transit--think nyc subway but WAY more expensive) to meet Jessica, founder of getaround.com a local bay area car sharing service co. where car owners can rent their cars out and set prices for local renters (organically placed plug).

Man goes to California, goes broke, wanders from place to place sleeping on couches, floors, cabins, futons, works whatever jobs he finds on craigslist and occasionally busks in metro stations playing long wooden instruments that come from deserts half-way around the world.

Now I'm not making any of this wrong - nor am I blaming myself for the positions I have rightfully earned. I am poking light at the fact that I am stuck in California and couldn't leave to go back home even if I wanted to.. which I do-from time-to-time.  It's just ironic that I spent all summer making myself believe that California had the answers to my problems AND I thought I would for sure be able to do whatever I wanted OR AT LEAST what I was saying I wanted to do whilst in New York/New Jersey--which was...

"I'm gonna go out there and get a job, find a place to live and see if I want to be in the bay or LA... you know, just live and blah blah blah." As my friend Sarah would say, 'welcome to crazy town'... btw, I'm now the mayor of crazy town, usa, aka-California. Why you may ask?

Because I didn't have a CLUE what I was in for. If I knew that this was going to be shaping up to be the fight of my life I probably would have come up with some other grand idea.. and actually.. now that I think about it, would wind-up in the same place I'm in now, only someplace else.

I am really having to teach myself discipline here. Saving my money--ech-chem.. excuse me, I meant NOT spending my money on dance, cookies, juice, or whatever; breaking free from the expectation that the world will provide all I need and ask for as I comfortably sit in the grass, sun beating on my face in half-lotus position... no, this is not the time for that. I would like it to be.. but it's not. It's time to get to work.. and I have to work and I have to make ends meet in as many creative ways possible-right now.

(right now its sleeping in my friend Olivia's room who I met at dance camp while her mom is sleeping in the room next door b/c after 3-months couch surfing I can't afford rent... it's passing out flyers at 7am for cash in hand after my shift so I dont have to use my debit card.. it's ordering Thai food and splitting it up in two portions so I dont spend money on food the next day--its all of that) -much love/respect to the Obidah's, btw.

This 'trip' is also about looking at myself in new ways. Looking NOW to see how I impacted people when I wasn't noticing how I was being ungrateful and expecting, full of myself, arrogant.. This is the feedback I've been getting and it's been EYE-OPENING!

Only when ya travel do ya get this.. or when you wander? When I wander this is what I get.. a dose of medicine aimed at having me having to deal with how I am showing up for the world and let me just tell you I am so committed to transforming this IT HURTS! So, like I was saying, I'm stuck here in California. When I return to the east coast, whenever that is, I will not be in the same everything place I was when I came out here. I will return with honor and pride.

This is my lesson, and the test is called California. Now I gotta go to bed, I'm waking up in 6 hours to pass out flyers. And before I go I want to mention a few more things.

a.) I shaved my beard after a dream that I shaved my beard. To me this is a sign of coming out of hiding.

b.) After realizing that I have been being stingy and selfish with my recent housemates.. like ReALLY GETTING THIS IN MY BONES that I have been showing up like this all the while thinking otherwise--I can now see the possibility arising in the shadows.. And it's called being grateful and abundant for what I do have.

I have two amazing jobs. In one I get to greet San Franciscans each morning now and wish them all 'Good Morning' as I pass out a great new car sharing service.  Let me say if you wished your city or town good morning at least 300 times to their face, you would feel ecstatic. The other is with this incredible Jewish non profit that teaches resistance training and how to stand up to fight the good fight after learning about the Jewish guerrilla fighters who lived in the woods during WWII.

And it's all starting to shift; my context, my reality, my being, my face! This really is it. I'm living my life and it's only going to get better.

Wandering on...

~B